When I was 16, my mother died of ovarian cancer. I did not have help in any way on how to handle the grief. Because I didn’t have help, I mentally and emotionally shut down. I didn’t know I had shut down until years later when I looked back at that time in my life and realized I couldn’t remember much of anything. I assume I went into “auto-pilot” as a form of survival.

When my son died suddenly and unexpectedly from a heart attack in August of 2021, I knew I couldn’t survive the loss without help. I refused to go through the same experience I had encountered when my mother passed away. So, I immediately got into grief groups. But the real healing came when I started and completed the Grief Educator program. You don’t have to go through this alone.

Please continue reading to find out how you can receive the help you need.

A few days after my son’s death, my daughter and I were travelling to his memorial service. And the distance was quite far. We had to travel by car to the airport. We made a brief “pitstop” and the restroom was disgustingly dirty. When we left, I made some comment about it being the worst restroom in the world. My daughter responded with something that made me laugh. And I responded back with something. We bantered back and forth and before we knew it we were both laughing so hard tears were rolling down our cheeks. I looked at her and said…”I didn’t think I’d ever be able to laugh that hard again”.

There are going to be moments when you will feel relief from the grief. During these times of reprieve, you will have a normal human response. Does this mean you don’t still love and miss your person? Of course, it doesn’t mean that. But when these moments happen, try to embrace them. Because having these moments is all part of the grieving/healing process.

The examples I’ve given here are just a few emotions/feelings you may be having at this time.

And, please keep in mind that “early grief” lasts somewhere around 2 years. This does NOT mean you have to be in extreme pain for the entire time. I only tell you this so that you know to give yourself some leeway about not having to be “all better” in a few weeks or months.

Just to be clear, I am not saying that moving on with your life means you will forget or replace your loved one. However, you can learn to live a life where your loved one is remembered in your heart and in your memories. And then you can create a life where you are not ruled by overwhelming grief.

And finally, your grief is unique to you. There is not “one size fits all” in grief. You will probably experience most or all of what I’ve described here. But you will do so with your own set of feelings. So please do not let anyone else tell you how to grieve. Allowing yourself to grieve in your own way is part of the healing process.

Because our world is vastly undereducated when it comes to dealing with grief, many people are forced to internalize their pain. Internalizing is a normal human response because the pain has to go somewhere, right? And when we don’t have help or guidance about how to process our pain, then we are left on our own to do the best we can.

At this point in your grief journey you have probably tried talking to friends or family. Innately, we seek a reprieve or an answer to our pain. But because people don’t really know how to help you in a way that works, you’re still left with the pain and heartache. And sometimes you may have felt judged because some people feel you should be “over it” by now.

I am not condoning unkind behavior from others when I say…they really don’t know how to help. Remember, the world is vastly undereducated when it comes to dealing with pain, loss and grief.